Even when no one is listening…

Octoberness the Thirteenth

Reading: Eat.Pray.Love. and coming soon The Help.

Thoughts: A quote (rather long quote) from chapter 22.

…I disappear into the person I love. I am the permeable membrane. If I love you, you can have everything. You can have my time, my devotion…my money, my family, my dog, my dog’s money, my dog’s time – everything. If I love you, I will carry for you all your pain, I will assume for you all your debts (in every definition of the word), I will protect you from your own insecurity, I will project upon you all sorts of good qualities that you have never actually cultivated in yourself and I will buy Christmas presents for your entire family. I will give you the sun and the rain, and if they are not available, I will give you a sun check and a rain check. I will give you all this and more, until I get so exhausted and depleted that the only way I can recover my energy is by becoming infatuated with someone else. I do not relay these facts about myself with pride, but this is how it’s always been.”

I used to be  like this.  Actually, “used to be” is probably a lie considering that nothing has changed. When I love- I love deeply and forever (my cousin Em and I were talking about this recently). Love is not love if love ends. Love may change perspectives. Love might grow. Love will go through fazes. But love never ends. It’s true. Every friend, man (okay maybe boys), or family member I’ve loved is still loved. Some relationships have changed but my love for these people has not. Sure I might not feel the same necessity, intensity or likability (in respective order). However, I still pray for, care about, and miss them.

I’ve been burned enough to know that some people are like poison to love. Sucking the life out of your heart without a single effort poured back into the giver. And from all this loving I am bound to have learned a thing or two (right?!). Here it is: The man I marry must love me more than I love him. To the point where it frustrates me because I know  it’s impossible for me to love him more. . Yes, I realize this makes me a horribly vain person. Yes, I know this means I may never be married. And yes, I am aware that this type of love is larger than life. God sized to be precise. It does exist…somewhere. 

-Slightly over dramatic girly optimist


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