Even when no one is listening…

This has always been my favorite day of the year. New Year’s Eve represents many things to me. Reflection, remembering, rebirth. Image

See that up there. That’s a year’s worth of journals. I write all year long preparing for the moment when I can shift through a year’s worth of memories. This year I’ve decided to share them with my readers. The following is a compilation of journal entries throughout the past year; a mixture of collective moments and meaningful quotes. There is no particular order or meaning. Just a free flow of select journal entries. Take from it what you will.

2012

I think who we are is meant to be shared =D Not shameful and I fully intend to share my bare naked soul with the world.I will not let my romantic dreamy optimism die just because the world believes otherwise. As terrible as you ended up being there was some good in you that brought out the part of me that was broken and hiding. “Conditions of cruelties so horrible, so bizarre, the women had to reinvent themselves. They had to find safety and sanctity inside themselves or they would not have been able to tolerate such torture. They had to learn quickly to be self-forgiving. For when their exterior actions were at odds with their interior beliefs still they had to survive as wholly and healthily as possible in an infectious and sick climate.” (Maya Angelo) 

The world really is fucked up. Religion is screwing us on both ends. And I can’t reconcile this loneliness. It’s not my ‘god-shaped-hole’. There’s something more than that. “If we have such an emotional stake in the answers, if we want badly to believe, and if it is important to know the truth, then nothing other than a committed skeptical scrutiny is required. On issues of the transcendent  of ethics and morals, of the nature of human beings, on those issues should we not insist upon at least equally skeptical scrutiny (Hitchens). But if you think about it we are all looking for the same thing. We are all hungering for the same goal in life- so shouldn’t we all find it within one another? “And here again I think it is clear that we have imposed human values onto the universe.” – Sagan Nothing is as terrible as it seems. This too shall pass. Just another day from another perspective.

This is the first day of the rest of your life. Go out there and claim it. Yes ——- is a jerk. Yes————- is manipulative. They hurt you but you’re stronger because of it. They helped you just not in the way you wanted. A lot can happen in a few days. A lot can change over night. You’re going to be okay. Better than okay. You are you. NOTHING can change that. Life sucks sometimes and there’s nothing you can do about it. Life isn’t always comfortable but it can be if you make it. “Here is the world beautiful and terrible things will happen. Do not be afraid.” “Be truthful, gentle and fearless.” “Every atom of carbon inside your body was once inside a star.” “If we are all united then why are we all divided?”

 Love is being ferociously devoted without clinging to the object of your affection. Assume that it’s already been taken from you. Already broken. And you won’t be devastated when it is. If anything I could have done that with my faith. Had I known that it was a farce then I wouldn’t have clung so tightly. I always thought that life without my former belief perspective on God would be empty, lonely, pointless even. But it’s not. My life is empty in places but that’s only because I haven’t found the answers yet. Life isn’t meant to be full of certainty. If that’s the case then I will never learn anything because I know it all. My life isn’t lonely though there are moments of heart wrenching loneliness. I’ve come to realize that loneliness is good. Crazy huh? Yet it’s in the moments that we are alone that we learn who we really are. Only when there is no one else to define us can we discover who we really are. “I had tampered with the mystery of existence and I had lost the sense of my own being.” (Black like me). 

There’s only one constant in life – yourself. And if you lose that you lose everything. The real battle in life is finding yourself, knowing yourself, even becoming yourself. There is no set plan or divine will. Though many will tell you otherwise. You truly are alone in this. No one walks with you. No one. Only you can take this journey. It is uniquely yours. A supernatural being is not with you. Though the concept may comfort you for a time. No one. No one walks with you. It is in the loneliness that you find solace. Completion. Contentment. It is good to be alone. Separate long enough to process the journey. I don’t know who I am. I’ve never been given the liberty. Freedom yet constantly being pulled towards fundamental ideas of whom I ought to become. 

Transformation. Undeniable. A different perspective. Same changing soul. Love thyself. You are divine. Nature thy temple. An endless sanctuary made of endless walls. There is freedom here. Freedom in loving thyself. Timelessness in knowing thy heart. Love who you are. More than who you want to be. Love your isness. Your being. Leaving troubles behind flow like a river. Breath like a stream. Shine as the sun. Take root as a tree. Flow. Breathe. Shine. Root. Be.  

“Thought I’d made something that could be mine forever 

Found out the hard way one can’t possess another 

And all that you have is your soul

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