February 10th, Jeffery and I celebrated three months of love, tears, hugs, kisses and laughter. Three months of late nights, early mornings and endless joy. I’m not sure how it’s possible but in a mere three months we’ve seen each others worst; shared our darkness and relished in our flaws and imperfection. I’m still blown away. Breathless yet full of joy, happiness and love. He’s my person, best friend, lover and soul mate. Just when I started to doubt love would ever appear- he found me. I was just a couple months delayed in noticing what was right in front of me. Part of me wished I had waited for him. The other part of me realizes out mutual brokenness is what brought us together. Heartache our greatest lover, our darkest demons a blessing, the mistakes we’ve shared perhaps leading the way all this time.
Love isn’t nearly what I expected. Before Jeffery I had only experienced love in parts. Here and there. Fragmented. Brokenly beautiful. The day Jeffery told me through tears that he was picking up the pieces of my being; committed to putting together the puzzle of my brokenness I knew I had found a complete whole love.
For the first time in my life, I’ve experienced love first hand. Wrapping me up in all angles. Coming from all directions. Consuming all of me. Filling me completely. Overflowing, pouring over the brim. Breaking down my walls. Flooding light into my darkness. Unconditionally giving. Sacrificially living. Chipping away at my insecurities. Breaking me down then building me back up again.
And I feel whole again.
Only this time, it’s an undeniably true existence. There are no clouds of doubt. No pangs of guilt. Nor any fear of shame.
I’ve found “GOD” within Jeffery’s love towards me. He is my personal representation of Jesus. And while I don’t know quite how to explain it…I am once again comfortable with the concept of “GOD”. Only “GOD” is so much bigger to me. I still don’t believe in a man in the sky nor a personal deity buried beneath doctrine and tradition. I believe in a god that can’t be documented, measured or confined to words on a page. I believe in the love we all ache for and desire to give.
To me- “GOD” is love – and love resides in each heart.
I am not lost.
I am not bitter.
I am not empty nor full of darkness. I am discovering. I am joyful and forgiving. I am the light of life; sometimes only an ember and other times a fierce flame….
All because someone loved me. All because someone showed me grace. All because Jeffery Wayne Smith chose to love me unconditionally.
And isn’t that the “God-Shaped Hole” we all want to fill? Isn’t that what God is all about? Isn’t that what’s left when you cut away all the doctrinal fluff of religion?
Spiritual beings with a spiritual hunger to be loved and love in return.
My religious friends, I am not that different from you. Yes, I got good and angry. Confused and bewildered. Hurt and abandoned. But all that chaos led me down the path of selfless love, holiness and forgiveness. A journey I won’t soon forget.
Jeffery Wayne Smith, thank you for imparting your Christ-based love to me. You are what a true Christian is called to be. You have saved me life in every way a person can possibly be saved.
Thank you my love.
I look forward to spending an eternity of life and love with you….”Forever & Forever Infinity Google” ❤
Rachel Margaret Sproles