Even when no one is listening…

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I’ve moved!

Thanks for checking in on me. I’ve moved my blog to a new page. Which you can find here.  Make sure to subscribe to my new page to continue receiving updates.

 

-Rachel

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Mr.&Mrs.Smith::Coming Soon ;) <3 <3 <3

Yes, I know this update is loooong overdue….but Jeffery & I are ENGAGED! My love asked me to be his wife on May 10th, 2014 our six month anniversary. Some may say that’s awful sudden; and maybe it is 😉 BUT….I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life. And that’s saying something. I’ll post the whole “Engagement Story” on our wedding blog once we get that all set up. Until then….here are some photos for your enjoyment. Plenty of sappiness, adorable dimples and cheesy smiles included!

All photos were taken by L. Isabelle Photography

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Sleepless Night

The worst feeling in the world comes on a sleepless night.

Caught between sobs and silent punches.

Drowning in a sea of memories left behind and never attained.

Unbalanced.

Teetering.

Festering old wounds.

Lying in a bed.

Next to the man you love- as he snores -dreaming of you.

Unaware that you’re aching to be held.

Acknowledged.

Brought in close for protection, safety and comfort.

Some things even he can’t fix.

You can’t even blame him nor find fault in his humanity.

He loves you.

He’s proven it to you countless times.

And in the morning when he sees the crusted sodium across your face he’ll ask you why you didn’t wake him.

Until then, it’s three o five in the morning.

Now three o six.

If he doesn’t sleep then he never will.

His own flesh worn.

His own heart healing.

His soul exhausted.

So you let him rest knowing he needs to be left be.

This is a battle you’ve fought before.

Tears are nothing knew to you.

Welcome this old familiar friend like you welcome a distant relative or friend who’s returned with reminders of life elsewhere.

Another time another place.

Welcome life.

Welcome brokenness.

Welcome pain.

Welcome the unwelcome.

There you will fins solace in the arms of your truest lover- the arms of your own warm soul.

 

Three Gifts

I’m  not a big Christmas fan. The idea of lying to children year round about a fat man in a suit that ‘watches’ them keeping a tally on rights and wrongs just doesn’t quite appeal to me. This year, however, I decided to give Christmas another chance.

Jeff and I celebrated by getting a seven foot Christmas tree; MY first real tree 🙂

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1479477_10151734631801642_711882087_nHe had a grand time opening his presents 🙂 Then we celebrated his birthday the day after Christmas. Not everything turned out as expected but we had a intimate Christmas nonetheless. 

Three gifts in particular really made an impact.

Rachel & Jeff Christmas 2013 (2)

1st Gift – From Jeffery

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Blue Topaz Promise Ring Set

Jeffery just couldn’t wait to give me this breathtaking sentiment!

He got it all on video. And yes, I cried like a baby.

~*~

2nd Gift – From Olivia

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A star from the Leo constellation

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There’s our Star!

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Named “Rachel & Jeffery” in honor of our love ❤

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Romantic painting with equally romantic painting included!

“Doubt thou the stars are fire, doubt that the sun doth move, doubt truth to be a
liar but never doubt that I love.”
W. Shakespeare

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Here we are looking up the coordinates online

Olivia this was such a thoughtful gift!! Thank you so much for honoring our love in this way!

~*~

3rd Gift – From Kassidi 

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Ganesh Icon

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This gift really touched my heart. Ganesh is the Hindu deity regarded as the ‘remover of obstacles’. My dear friend Kassidi chose this gift as a reminder of the battle I’ve been fighting to remove the demons and negative energies in my life over the past couple of years.

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Each symbol on Ganesh represents a mantra/lesson.

As a protector of thresh holds, Ganesh now sets at the entrance to our home.

To learn more about Ganesh take four minutes and listen to this song by MC Yogi. You won’t be disappointed!!

~*~*~*~*~*~

Out of everything I received this Christmas season nothing compares to the gift of love I’ve been blessed with. Not only have I met the love of my life, Jeffery Wayne Smith; but I am surrounded by friends who have become family. More than jewelry, stars and icons – I am blessed with the gift of your friendship and love. Jeffery, Oliva and Kassidi thank you for being blessings in my life. I am in awe of my life right now because of you three beautiful souls!!!

Love, peace and blessings,

Rachel

Emotional Healing

Hello readers,

Yes, I’m back! After a two month hiatus (Goodness, has it been THAT long??), I’m back and bustling with life lessons to share. I’ve been a bit – ahem- distracted to say the least 😉 The past couple months have been full of change and growth.

October brought in the Autumn winds of change. I finally took the advice of friends and family by cleaning house in my relationships. I’m learning to treat myself with respect by not letting others use me nor allowing myself to use others. I’m down a few “friends” but my stress has dwindled 110% It’s funny how comfortable we can become in discomfort…how accustomed we grow to dysfunction.    Now that I am out of the drama that was consuming my life I finally feel like I can heal completely as a person.

Allow me to share an excerpt from a powerful article I discovered this week:

“In the beginning, when I first realized that I was not born broken and that the way I got messed up was not my fault but was in fact  caused by other people, I was really angry that I had to FIX what “they broke”. I had to move forward with my emotional healing anyway. No one was going to do it for me in fact the majority of people in my life didn’t want me to heal. They too liked me weak and sick and compliant. NO one wanted me to realize that I actually had equal value to them or their power over me would be exposed and they would therefore lose it. And when I healed and faced the truth about the ways that I was regarded by them, they did lose their power over me; because I refused to live that way anymore.”

As my pen pal Emmanuel C. Williams explained to me, friends come as either assets or liabilities. The trick is figuring out who is who. Once I started reflecting honestly on my relationships I realized that many of the people in my life liked that I was ‘damaged’ because it made them feel better about themselves or it gave them an excuse to stay where they were in their own personal journey of growth. The more I healed the more my positive growth pointed out areas in which they were lacking thus making them uncomfortable. In a way, I outgrew many people this past year. Pruning my friendships was difficult. At times I felt guilty for not giving certain people third and fourth chances. Then I met someone who completely changed my outlook on life.

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His name is Jeffery Wayne Smith. We met at work back in September. Little did I know, for Jeff is was love at first sight. This man saw the brokenness inside me that I was trying to hard to hide. November 1st, we hung out and have been inseparable ever since. Today we are celebrating our first month together 🙂 The first of many more to come.

Jeff saw my hurt and chose to be a part of the healing process. I didn’t even have to ask. Patiently he listens. Patiently he responds by offering arms full of comfort and warmth. Jeff takes the time to understand my triggers. He doesn’t get mad at me when I react emotionally to normal life situations. Instead, he helps me get to the root of the problem so that I can fix it and MOVE ON. I respect this man with all my being and am eternally grateful to have this angel in my life. That’s the difference. He knows he can’t fix it- I have to- but he can help 🙂

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I’ve never been happier.

I’ve never been healthier.

I’ve never been more alive.

For the first time in years, I feel safe & secure.

I feel loved and cherished.

I am free to love and cherish.

Life is beautiful when you have someone to share it with!!

~More fun filled loving updates to come~

The Hug

“I’ve missed you,”

I whispered

holding him tight.

“I hate you,”

he sighed

beneath my embrace.

“Why?”

I asked

though I already knew.

Bitter-Sweet-Irony

I wasn’t prepared

to hear those words

from your lips….

“I love you.

I care about you.

I want you to be my girl.

And I fucked up.

I’m sorry

I know I hurt you.

That’s why

I don’t deserve you.

I hope you find someone

who will treat you right.

I just want you to be happy Rachel.”

And to think

I almost

didn’t

answer

the phone.

And to think

I almost

hung up

on this

perfect moment.

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